Excuse Me Sir

With Thanksgiving just a few days away, it is very important that you go out and select a turkey that is just right for you. For some of you lazy asses, it may be as simple as going to the deli counter and buying a pound of sliced turkey (good luck with that shitty meal). Or you can man up and use a turkey fryer. Whichever the case, just so you know, this is the one day of the year where it is extremely acceptable to have your arm elbow deep into sometthings ass. However, like always this rule does not apply to small dogs or children.

Get Your Plow On

Well its that time of year again, where boobies go to hibernate for the winter. It really is a sad and depressing time of year. Its the time of year where all the hot chicks hide their bangin' ass bodies in favor of some ugly ass Christmas sweater. These women think since the boobies aren't grinnin' they can get sneaky and get all kinds of tank ass on us. Well your not fooling me big ass! Put the drumstick down.

NASCAR is Popular

If you haven't been devoting your full attention to the NASCAR season, then shame on you. Your missing out on the fastest growing sport in the nation. There is a real good reason this is the fastest growing sport, and that reason is there are no black people in NASCAR. I mean could you imagine watching a NASCAR race with a black dude driving around the track blowin 'dro with a car full of white bitches. Shit, all the cars would have adverstisements for some sort of chicken shack, purple drank, and black & mild's. As for the actual race at least the brotha's would be good at driving the car like they stole somethin.

Monday Night Football Live Blog

Man Down!

So the one thing that has really been chapping my ass lately are the inconsiderate individuals who decide that wasting beer is cool. These are the assholes that come over to your house and don't bring their own juice. They think its cool to help themselves to your fridge, where you keep the elegantly delightful long necks. Then these fuckers decide that they don't really like the taste of beer, and either pour it out, or just leave it to die a slow and painful death. Come on man you can't be leaving wounded soldiers on the field of battle, kill that shit before you move on to your Zima. They didn't leave wounded soldiers in Viet-fucking-Nam did they? So unless you bring over Vietnamese whores, you can't be doing it either.

Being Old is Confusing

Thats great people are living longer, but at what point do you say enough is enough. Being old may be alright for some people, but I bet for the majority it just sucks ass. There is only one thing you have to look forward to, and thats cruising the old folks home with your motorized scooter trying to find some smoking 90 year old tart that will let you get your dick wet. Probably not gonna happen. The only way you are going to find a hot piece of ass is if you shit yourself. Shitting yourself will get the nurse in your room, but I mean how cool can shitting yourself be? Yeah there is a chance a hot nurse will come in and clean you up, but there is no chance in hell you are going to get your wrinkled, limp dick hard enough to jerk off.

Worst yet if god decides to bless your old man cock, there is no way in hell you will have any idea what your trying to stick your dick into. Hell, you'll be thinking your fucking this Korean whore from the war and it turns out to be a god damn Ford Tempo. Shit, on top of that you have to worry about some hoodlum taking pictures. Those son of a bitches need to respect their elders. Bastards.

Easy There Jimmy Dean

Everyone knows someone who has sausage fingers. It may be a brother or sister, a relative or friend, or quite possibly someone you even blog with. For some reason I find sausage fingers extremely disturbing and just fucking gross. There are several things sausage fingers hinder you from doing. Shit, you can't hold the tv remote, find mittens that fit or even grab a nice handful of titty. I mean having sausage fingers all but ruins foreplay doesn't it? What gal wants to be jammed with fat stubby little fingers in the various crevices of her body. Thank good I don't have sausage fingers, because if I did, I would just cut off my hands and replace them with hooks. Hey Jimmy Dean, bitches dig hooks.

David Blaine...Mysterious Sorcerer

I'm not going to lie, I didn't watch David Blaine hang him self upside down for 37 days, but didn't this guy already do some shit like this? If he wants to really impress the people with his endurance feats he should pop 100 Viagra and see how long it takes before his cock explodes. I mean seriously who gives a fuck about hanging upside down. If he really wants to prove he is the sorcerer he says he is, then why doesn't he make everyone with red hair and freckles disappear. All in favor?

Viva La Cuervo!

According to a recent survey tequila is America's least favorite kind of hard booze. Other than the hangovers the next morning that shit is amazing. For women it makes them all slutty, so there is a good chance your defense of "It was completely consensual" may stand up in court. For dudes, what could be better than blacking out and not remembering that you tried to fuck a pinata the night before. Not to mention when you wake up the next day there is a good chance your going to have some kind of funny hat on your head. This my friends sounds like the real jesus juice. Viva La Cuervo!